


i want your midnights

by anonlymous



Series: October Challenges 2019 [12]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Communication, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Just Add Kittens, M/M, angst and also kittens, honest and heartfelt conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 04:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21068489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonlymous/pseuds/anonlymous
Summary: Magnus had thought as much, had wondered and worried about it since the night of Max’s party, since their conversation on the balcony after Jocelyn, since he’d seen the self-loathing in Alec’s eyes as he jumped toward the memory demon. But it was a different thing altogether to hear it said aloud, to hold his husband in his arms and see his scars and understand how much pain he had been in.(Or: Magnus and Alec talk about self-harm. Also, kittens).





	i want your midnights

**Author's Note:**

> For carmenlire, who writes the most amazing fics about Malec and mental health, and lowkey inspired me to write this. Hope you enjoy :)
> 
> For day 15 of Flufftober (kittens) and Whumptober (scars).
> 
> Not a direct sequel to [sway with me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20606681) or [holding onto you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20990693), but it is related and deals with similar themes of mental health.

Outside, the waves crash tumultuously against the shore, the cracked-open window lets in the salty tang of the ocean, and the rain patters on the ground. Inside, everything is quiet, from the two men curled together on the rug to the enthusiastic kitten climbing their legs. Magnus can’t quite decide if the silence is comfortable or deafening. He sits with Alec between his legs, tracing patterns down his husband’s arms, trying to digest what Alec had told him a few moments ago.

He’d wondered about the scars dotted there, asking “How did you get these? I thought iratzes would’ve fixed serious injuries, and you Nephilim always act as if you’re too graceful for accidents.” Alec had gone still for a moment and then – without meeting his gaze – said, “Not all of them were accidents.”

Magnus had thought as much, had wondered and worried about it since the night of Max’s party, since their conversation on the balcony after Jocelyn, since he’d seen the self-loathing in Alec’s eyes as he jumped toward the memory demon. But it was a different thing altogether to hear it said aloud, to hold his husband in his arms and see his scars and understand how much pain he had been in.

He watches Alec stroke the tiny Burmilla kitten clawing at his thigh and thinks _oh, my love_. He understands – of course he does – but he wishes more than anything that neither of them understood this feeling. Keeping his voice as gentle and non-judgmental as he can, Magnus asks “Do you want to tell me about it?”

He doesn’t think Alec will say no – he rarely does, with Magnus – but if he tenses up, if he doesn’t speak, if he seems uncomfortable, Magnus will not push. But Alec doesn’t do any of those things. Instead he nods, then scoots away a little and buries his fingers in the cat’s fur.

“I don’t even remember when it started, just that it was sometime after Jace came. The feelings I harbored for him, trying to protect him and Iz from their own stupidity, the pressure from my parents as they trained me to take over – sometimes it was all too much.” Alec lets out a breath and then continues, steadfast as always. “But Shadowhunters don’t exactly value mental health, so I did what I knew how to do. Trained too hard. Let myself cut and bruise. Refused to heal wounds right away.”

Every word is a cut to Magnus’s heart, but Alec looks more relaxed than he did a few minutes ago, and that’s worth it. And he’s moved close again, nestling into Magnus’s chest and cradling the kitten in his palm. It gives Magnus a glimpse of one particularly jagged scar on his shoulder, and before he can think it through he’s asking, “Is that how you got this one?”

Alec nods. “Basically. Sometimes, when training rooms and punching bags weren’t enough, I would take solo missions and be careless. Let demons hurt me more than necessary, wouldn’t apply iratzes afterwards, pushed myself too hard and kept fighting - that kind of thing.”

Clearing his throat, Alec glances up, and he must not like what he reads in Magnus’s expression. “You don’t have to look at me like that. It wasn’t that bad, I … it never got that serious. I was never close to death, and I certainly wasn’t as reckless as Jace is when he’s self destructing.”

Magnus looks at him for a long moment and then says, quiet but firm, “Neither of those things mean it wasn’t serious. It doesn’t have to almost kill you to qualify as _bad_, my love.”

“The thing is,” Alec says quietly, “It _worked_. It helped me get through the day – hell, it was the only thing keeping me sane sometimes. I know it’s not exactly healthy to keep doing it now, but the pain is miniscule compared to some injuries I’ve had. It’s not the worst thing in the world.”

“If it was me drinking,” Magnus says, voice as steady and careful as he can make it. He needs to get through to Alec on this, to make him understand that his pain should not be a necessary sacrifice to survive the day. “Or Izzy using yin fen to cope, or Jace throwing himself into danger, you would be beyond concerned about all of us, about the harm we’re inflicting on ourselves and the pain we’re in. But when it’s you, the pain doesn’t matter?”

Shaking his head, Magnus continues, “It matters to me. I promise, I do understand why you did this for so long, but there are other coping mechanisms out there. You are a different person now, less isolated and surer of yourself, and you have more people on your side. You have me, always. You can survive like this, but that doesn’t mean you should have to.”

From where Alec has buried his face in Magnus’s shoulder, he hears a whispered “okay” and a noise that’s almost a sniffle. It’s a definite sign to stop, because his husband is not a man easily reduced to tears. As if it too can sense his sadness, the kitten nudges at Alec’s leg and licks at the exposed bottom of his stomach. Magnus lifts the creature into his lap and maneuvers all of them so he can wrap both arms around Alec, and strokes his fingers through Alec’s hair in a comforting motion until he quiets.

There’s so much left to say but for now, listening is enough. Being here together is enough. They’ll talk more in the morning - about Magnus on Blackfriars Bridge and the way he still reaches for alcohol and isolation in his low moments, about Alec’s teenage years and the way he still splits his knuckles to stop his frantic mind - but that’s for tomorrow. For tonight, he holds Alec and watches the rain fall.

**Author's Note:**

> Probably will write at least one more fic about Alec and mental health for the October challenges because I have A Weakness.


End file.
